My Analogies of Addiction: Runaway Train

No one wants to be stuck on a train track when a train is coming. This locomotive is as close to an unstoppable force as there is. Anything in its way will surely be destroyed. The way a tornado represents the journey of becoming an addict, the runaway train analogy represents more of how I felt once I became an addict.

A train takes a while to get moving at whichever speed that is chosen for it to go. The more it is carrying the heavier it is and the more cars connected the longer it takes to get moving. This resonates with me because I had a lot of heavy baggage. Regrets, a lot of could of, would of, should of and what ifs in my mind and weighing on my heart. This baggage has caused me to fail relationships, lose jobs, lower self-esteem, depression, and at times complacency.

Once the train gets moving it progressively gains momentum, just as an addiction. Then once it reaches full speed it has enough momentum to cause irreparable damage to anything or anyone that chooses to be in its path. In my active addiction and recklessness caused damage to anyone that was close to me. Family, friends, girlfriends, co-workers, and even people I did not know. No one was safe from the wrath of my addiction. Gradually I was becoming someone I did not want to be. The train was still on track, but I was on the wrong track, but my life was off track. I was not oblivious to what was happening, but I could not stop.

They say a train is so heavy and moves with so much momentum that even when the brakes are applied it can take miles to come to a halt. This reminds me of the times I would say instead of liquor I will just drink beer or instead of getting a pint I will only get a half pint. One of my favorites is I’ll only drink on the weekends. All of these thoughts and more would fill my mind about ways to stop, but when you wake up shaking and your body is craving for just a sip, it is hard to resist the desire. Not even to feel a buzz at this point but to just level off so I could function. The thing is my addiction cannot just slowly peter out. One drink is too much and a thousand is not enough. Life was unmanageable and I became a runaway train that could not be stopped and at times I would succumb to the fact that I am just going to drink for the rest of my life. Something abrupt and catastrophic must occur in order for me to stop. Every time I become sober that was the case.

This brings me to derailment and not just of a couple of cars but the whole train must derail in order for me to stop. This means little to no money, firings from jobs, homelessness, jail stints, subpoenas, ankle bracelets, car crashes and many other horrible things that you can imagine. As crazy as this may sound there is a silver lining in the midst of all the destruction and that is liberation. The liberation of no longer having to fight addiction. The freedom from the thoughts that would control my life and actions daily. Whether the derailment led me to jail, rehab or both, it felt so much better once the train jumped off track.

As I clean up the rubble and debris scattered all over my life it is like building another train car by car. As well as building a brand-new train that is empty. The clarity I gain after my brain has healed helps to give me new direction. So yes, I went through something catastrophic, but I now have a new train and a new track to travel on. It will lead me to new adventures and experiences and hopefully gain so much momentum that it will lead me far away from what led to my last derailment. Also, it will bring me newfound hope and an optimistic outlook towards my future. I hope this analogy resonates with you because it is exactly how it feels for me. Everything will get better again as long as I do not allow the bottle to derail my train of thought of staying sober.