Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

I resent you for ever picking up a drink. I do understand you were young at the time and most certainly never thought your life would spiral out of control to the extent that it has. It made you extremely stagnant and lose care in certain aspects of your life especially during pivotal make or break moments. One of these moments was high school.

You did not apply yourself nearly as much as you should have. I resent you for always trying to skip class and even negatively influencing others to be like you and bringing them down in the process. I resent you for how disrespectful you were to your mother during these times in your youth. How you were so stubborn and would not take her guidance and direction when all she ever wanted was for you to never experience half of the things you are at this very moment in time. The stress, the struggle and at times the embarrassment and shame you brought to her was completely unwarranted. Yet, despite all your transgressions, she still loves you and wants to be a major part of your redemption story.

I resent you for not spending more time with loved ones who are no longer physically here. These were the people who loved and supported you since birth. I am sure you caused them an unimaginable amount of heartache and stress as they prayed you would get better and realize the error of your ways to begin to see the light.

I resent you for the 4 vehicles you wrecked and the people you put in harm’s way everyday while you selfishly let your addiction take over your life. Luckily no one was physically hurt but you lost a lot of money and was very inconvenienced through bus rides, miles of unnecessary walking, lost time in transit and court appearances. Those actions also led to limited employment opportunities due to lack of transportation.

Speaking of employment, I resent you for losing so many jobs due to your substance abuse. I resent you for not challenging yourself more and getting out of your comfort zone to explore your potential. You always applied for jobs that you knew you could get and perform well at instead of pushing yourself just to see what you were really capable of. Above all else you were much more worried about passing the drug test rather than if the job was the right fit and if it was a good long-term opportunity for growth and transitional skills. You should have been learning new skills that could lead to new and better opportunities for your future.

I resent you for your choice of women at times and the types of relationships you shared with them. You either chose good girls who had no time for the chaos you would introduce into their lives or women who were just as broken as you to accompany you in mutual toxicity and misery. Some of them did try to talk some sense into you and help to get you the help that you desperately needed. The problem was you were not serious about making changes in your life for the better. You have had so many unhealthy relationships that I am unsure if you know how it feels to be in a healthy situation with a woman who is striving to be her best and has no time for a man with all the potential in the world but is not doing the same.

The common denominator for all the resentments I have for you is you are extremely hardheaded and never want to relinquish control. Have you not learned by now that when you are in control that you are out of control?! I realize this is a pattern of yours and will no doubt continue if a change does not occur soon. I regret all the hurdles you caused in your life that you had to work twice as hard to overcome just to return to the status you were already. I regret the fact that you lost self-respect, dignity, confidence, and pride within yourself.

With that being said, I can tell you that I appreciate you for being strong. Your perseverance is something to be commended. You have so much potential and can be a symbol of hope for so many for years to come. I appreciate you for seeking help before you completely self-destructed and ruined your life to the point of no return. I appreciate your talents and your God given abilities and hope you no longer will take them for granted. I appreciate you for completing one treatment and recognizing you need another. Even though you are not comfortable with the situation you stuck with it and tried to see the silver lining. I appreciate your optimism above all because you know for a fact that the grass is greener on the sober side of the fence. You know you can have a brighter future if you just work hard on yourself. I am grateful and respect you dearly for that.

Most of all what I really mean deep down is that I love you beyond words. I ask for forgiveness for how hard you are on yourself. I pray you regain your confidence and pride then get back to shooting for your dreams. This time strengthen your foundation in your recovery so that no storm could ever shake or break it. I forgive you and I set you free.